Thoughts & Fears

OK--now back to the worries I that I mentioned yesterday. I posted a message similar to this on my YOAD message board this morning. I needed to share and I feel very "safe" there. They are my friends and they want to help.

I'm starting to have fear. I'm afraid I'll get unmotivated. I'm afraid I'll be a size 24 again. I'm afraid that I'm going to mess up. Why? I'm not sure really. Could it be that I just bought an entire wardrobe of size 18 pants and 1X shirts and I don't want to jinx myself? The only other time I have ever lost to an 18 was about 4 years ago, during the Atkins craze. I lost about 25 pounds and went to buy some clothes. I tossed out some of "my fat clothes", as my sisters called them, and bought a few outfits in the smaller size. Well, once I went off Atkins, I gained back the weight (plus). I was then left with 2 size 18 pants/shirts that I could never wear again (until NOW...YIPEE). They were an actual external sign of my failure to myself. I hated them and I really was ashamed of myself for gaining back the weight (over about a 2 year period).

Could it be hearing the compliments of my Mom at dinner the other night? (My mother has always been horrid at diet sabotage and turning her nose up at failing dieters--but not meaning to be intentionally mean or unsupportive, it's just the way it comes out. She has never been truly overweight, like I am/was, she's always been about 20-30 pounds overweight). Something about when she brings up eating or exercise....it almost makes me want to do the opposite. I'm sure this stems from being a child & adolescent and always getting the "you need to lose weight", "you are getting so big", "wow, what do you weigh" kind of stuff thrown at me. She also always put a carrot out on a string everytime I'd try to lose weight to try and motivate me (in her own way). She'd say stuff like, "If you'd lose 30 pounds, I'll buy you this", "If you lose 50 pounds, I'll take you here", "If you lose 100 pounds, I'll buy you a new wardrobe". I know that those things sound nice BUT for some reason they've always been the kiss of death. The other night, at my birthday dinner she said "You know, when you get down to the weight you want to be, I'll pay to have that big flab of skin cut off your stomach". UGH---I know that she means well and that she loves me, I really do...but SHIT! I wish she wouldn't say stuff like that to me. I'd just prefer the compliment and nothing afterwards, no string, no carrot, no "reward" for doing the right thing, for becoming healthier and for being happy.

In my mind, I'm thinking that's where some of these negative thoughts and worries are coming from. Almost like, she's actually wanting me to fail. Could that be possible? I don't know....I just know that I don't want to fail. I want to succeed. I am doing great with my food choices (staying at around 1,500 calories daily and eating YOAD approved foods), doing well with exercise as I'm going to the gym at least 5x a week and I have support from hubby at home (most of the time). Am I being a spaz? Are these irrational fears? Is this common to have fears like this during the journey?

I do know that I'm still on a journey. A journey that will take me down a path that's at least 70 more pounds, probably more. I really, REALLY feel like THIS is the journey and the path that is going to get me there. THIS is going to be the time that I lose the weight and get healthy...FINALLY. Maybe that in itself, is part of it. Maybe somewhere, deep inside me, I'm actually afraid to be thin. Could that be it? Hmmmm......

Shannon